Walls - Self Preservation

As a child I was definitely considered to be the goodie-two-shoes. I was happy and my spirit was one that was crazy and full of little girl sassiness! I spoke my mind and so easily I loved those in my life. I wanted to show people my life, I wanted to tell all the little details of my every move. I didn't try to hide my flaws or my feelings, I was completely transparent. When you saw me, I showed you who I really was.
That was me as a child. Today, as life has happened and I have grown older I have reflected on my life and have come to realize that I am no longer transparent. I no longer let others see me entirely. Am I lying about who I am? No. I just have automatically made a defense mechanism of having so many emotional walls up to prevent others from hurting me.
I believe transparency comes easily as a child. When we are young we believe that no one will ever hurt us, that everyone loves us and wants our best. As we get older, we come to the sad realization that humans are selfish, and whether intentional or not, people will hurt you.
So the question that comes from this observation is having walls wrong? To protect yourself from any feeling of hurt or pain, is that a problem? Why do I want to protect myself and not let people see who I am? In short answer, yes, it is wrong. Me not wanting to have to deal with pain or deal with other people's life in reality  boils down to selfishness. I want to not hurt and I feel I can justify it because I have been hurt and am tired of it.

When Jesus lived on this earth He was hurt, but what did He give everyone? He gave of himself. He gave up his desires and feelings and he really loved everyone.
Jesus didn't play the part of caring about someones situation, he lived the life of loving others. I want to protect myself, but if I am putting my own preservation in front of the lives of others am I really living the life of loving others and living a life a serving?

I can very easily say that I love someone, but if I cannot be transparent about who I am, am really living the life God has called me to live? A good friend once said that living the life God has called me to is a worthy calling, but it is not easy.

God calls us to give of ourselves and to love. We live in a sinful world, people will hurt us, and we will hurt people. As we continue getting older and become more experienced with this sin, we need to remember that God will heal us and He is there for us. He will make us whole. We just need to surrender our hurt and ask God to continue to be able to love.   Through Christ then and only then are we able to forgive things done in the past and move forward.  Keeping our eyes on who Jesus is and how He loved others, we can then truly live a life of transparency. Letting others see that the love we have for them is completely dependent on the fact that that Jesus loved us.

If I am not willing let go of the past and the hurt caused by others I will become closed off. This may protect me in the moment, but I will lose all impact I have in the lives of others. I am learning that transparency comes when I stop focusing on myself, and start focusing on the one who heals, and who is love. Jesus is there to not only save me, but to take away my hurt. I do not have to live my life with walls in my life. Through Christ I have freedom and through this freedom I have the power and the ability to love.